crossroads

in a blink of an eye, another year has passed and the stark realisation that I am turnig 23 in 3 weeks. what have i done with my life? where have i gone so far? what am i doing and what will i be doing in the future? these are the questions i always ask myself with each passing year.
i got an email that day that talked about goals. What are goals for in our lives and that there needs to be a purpose in life to make it worth living for. For a moment i thought back and reflected: the goals in my past were so well defined and driven, I was so firm on my feet and what i wanted to achieve; now somehow it seems effy. I think as i grew older, more came into consideration. making a living, making life comfortable, having to support my parents, plans to have my own family, plans to do my masters, plans to get married, plans to keep my partner happy and live happily. all these have to strike a balance. at least i know wat goals i would like to meet and i can meet : achieve my masters and make sure i make my mark and standing known in my own field and get married between 27 to 28. Of course , getting there is another story..
I have worked and saved enough to pay off for my masters course but not exactly sufficient to be able to enjoy n study comfortably.. nonetheless, it is still a feat to me, that i have been disciplined enough to keep myself in check, somehow the sacrifices seem all so worth it.. sometimes i surprise myself a lot with what i thought i would never be able to do but be able to do. i guess it always will serve as a big reminder that there is much more out there for me to achieve and it's my time to make sure i do it well and big.
after all the administration that has been settled, i just wanted to make sure that i could have my january off next year to spend with hong ju before he leaves for the UK. basically, to cut a really long story short, i was offered a sponsorship now when i am about to leave. part of me was really angry because i applied for one so very long time ago but i was not given when my other classmates were offered and now when it comes to a point of crisis in which the hospital will not be able to cope without more physios in my speciality, i am being offered a sponsorship. the worst part was probably the really lame excuse that i applied too early especially with too little experience. I just feel that if i had already indicated my interest so early then, why wasn't i being considered first? while others had been offered sponsorships without asking, someone who asked and who is just as well qualififed isnt? Her hints are sufficient, i need not spell it out. the only comfort tt i take in is that my manager thinks tt i am just as good as the rest; i wasn't denied a scholarship because i didn't deserve one. I decided that i didnt want to take it up, but i still thanked my manager for the effort n for the thought cos i think it really meant a lot to me because i never felt that i was anything lesser than any other of my classmates to be denied this opportunity. I am not taking it mostly because i am not a last choice or resort; secondly i have had enough with the merry go rounds at work. I would miss my colleagues and really good friends at work for sure when i leave. However, i probably would take the no pay leave first, because of the whole stupid bonus thing and my january leave thing.
I guess what came out mostly from my discussion with hong ju was a really huge realisation. In our arguements about my work and about this, the one thing i really neglected was what he felt. It did break my heart when he told me that i never considered how he would feel, which was the truth. For so many times, i kept thinking about what i thought, and what i felt and what i wanted to do.. I have never thought of what he would think.. I felt bad then, cos for the so many months that we have been together, i had been so ultimately selfish in my own thoughts. sigh. maybe tt's y as we get older, there are more things to consider to make life really work out. anw i will work on it and make sure i start considering about him and his feelings more often now..
alright, it's time to head off to his place. see ya. updates soon